To become a Pediatrician, I spent 3 years in hospital training to keep children healthy, and to learn how to help when they got sick. I really needed to learn what normal looked like, so I would quickly recognize when it was not. But the experience of raising fraternal twin boys was both harder and more educational in some ways than residency, and made me a much better physician and resource to other parents.
I had my own in-home science project caring for two genetically distinct children at the same time. It taught me how much preprogrammed knowledge and personality every child is born with. While I treated each baby the same, one cried a lot and one didn't. Having the second child available for comparison, I quickly recognized it wasn’t something about me making one cry, it was something about him. As a doctor, I recognized he had colic, but experiencing it first hand gave me new insight into what my parents were going through when they were home alone trying to figure out how to care for a child, without having the 7 years of medical training and 5 years of practice that I did. It gave me new respect for the amount of courage and determination most people brought to the task of parenting, and allowed me to really understand and validate their feelings of overwhelm and bewilderment when they appeared in my office every few months. My twin sons helped me understand that babies reactions are due to their neurological programing which determines their reactions, much more than what we do to them. I became confident in my advice to other parents when they came in frustrated and feeling helpless, that most times, it was really their child’s response that was the issue, not theirs.
What we offer as parents is to teach our young how to cope with their reactions so they can learn to take appropriate actions, learn self-agency and to self soothe. By responding to an infant when it cries it learns to trust in itself and others. That when it reports discomfort, someone will hear, and try to help. Over time, their cries and coos turn into words and sentences; being understood and receiving what you need, is what it feels like to be loved. In order to be most effective at helping others, I learned that it is not enough to know the right answers, but caring enough to ask others the right questions.
Each person, including babies, are the experts on themselves. Your child is born into a body with 2 million years worth of mammalian evolutionary intelligence built into their genes and brain. Newborns know they need food, warmth, physical bodily contact and a certainty that they are being heard, in order to develop normally both physically and emotionally, that’s it. Once you understand how to provide these basics survival needs, the answers to what your infant wants lies within your infant, not in apps and devices, or unsolicited advise from family or friends.
My top recommendation garnered from working with children, my own and other people’s, would be for new parents to trust in their ability to provide what their children need. You don’t have to worry about what you don't know as a parent, but you need to learn to listen, to try to understand what your baby might want. Then, once you've exhausted the basics, accept that your infant may just need to do what they are doing, whether its crying, squirming, or fussing. Over time, by really listening to the intensity and quality of their cries, and later their words, you will know what to give them and when they are really in distress; when it’s time to seek help or your pediatrician's expertise. By listening well, with observation and practice, your ability to hear what your child is asking for will improve your efficiency and effectiveness at satisfying their needs as well as building your confidence as a parent. You will be rewarded with peace, contentment and a child who thrives.
Dr. Stacey Hecht is a Physician and Life Coach. She’s passionate about finding fun in everything she does. Through coaching, she enjoys helping people identify their true desires, and clear the blocks that hold them back from reaching their health, career, or relationship goals. Coaching helps shift perspective which reduces stress, increases overall life enjoyment, and opens the way to having more fun. Contact her today for a free consultation to see how she can help you, text 551-500-1802 or visit Drstaceycoaching.com.
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